Dear Students,

Finals week is just as painful for your professors as it is for you. When you start complaining about how long it took you to work on your revision portfolio, for example, think about this: it took your professor approximately thirty hours to grade those damn things. Did it take you 30 hours to work on it? No, it did not, so shut the fuck up.

~Your Prof.

So has the J.Mo just dropped off the face of the earth, or what?

It's amazing how much can change in four years. Things that were different the last time I had a family Easter (and not in a good way):

*We had Easter dinner on Sunday, not on Saturday night
*We didn't have to spend Easter Sunday at the nursing home
*Grandma Florence was still alive (and living in her own house)
*Grandpa Bobbin still lived at home, and still knew who I was
*The Easter Bunny delivered my candy in an actual Easter basket
*I hunted for said basket at FloJo's, not at Grandma Hazel's
*My sister was there
*My grandma's kitchen was still fully stocked, so there was no question of whether or not there would be any food coloring to dye the eggs
*Blair still had a grocery store, so even if there had been some snafu involving a lack of food coloring, we would have been able to procure some without having to go to the next town
*There was no way in hell the grill would have run out of propane -- my grandpa would have been on top of that
*My grandma didn't need to take the elevator at church
*Neither did my mother
*The minister would not have tried to make small talk with me, because (a) he wasn't the mister at that time and (b) even if he was, he wouldn't have the mistaken impression that we're friends on the basis of a conversation we had about Annie Dillard after my grandma's funeral

About the only positive difference is this one:
*My uncle now has an adorable little puppy

Pretty sad that there's only one good thing to have happened in the interim, yes? Maybe those four years of being cut off from all the holiday celebrations (save Christmas) were not such a bad thing after all. The holidays have gone down hill something fierce, and awfully quickly.

/whining

I recently learned that my 18-year-old cousin's English Internet girlfriend is coming to the States this summer to live with my cousin's family for six weeks. Before that, he's going to England for a month. A few questions:

1. When his sister turns 18, will she be allowed to bring strange foreign men into the house for the better part of a summer?

2. Being that the only spare bed in the house is in my cousin's room (he's got bunk beds), will the girlfriend be allowed to sleep in his room?

3. How on earth are the parents going to keep these kids from making babies left and right? Let's think about this. Two horny teenagers who have been cyber dating for 3 years (or more?) are suddenly going to be together in real life 24/7 for almost an entire summer. After three years (0r more?) they will finally have the opportunity to lay their hands all over each other for real, not just through creepy cyber sex. But don't worry, they're going to behave like good Christian children...

4. What if my cousin and his cyber lady friend end up hating each other? Sure they've spent the last few years doing the IM and web cam thing, but that's different. All day every day is a whole different sack of potatoes. For that matter, so is real life.

5. What is wrong with this girl that she needs a cyber boyfriend? (I know what my cousin's deal is -- he's a chubby little Wisco boy who likes computer games, Mountain Dew, McDonald's, and anime way more than anybody should. He might actually have a little bit of luck with the ladies because he's a sweetheart, but in order to meet the ladies he'd have to leave the basement every now and again, so... You all know the type.)

And also a few comments:

1. My poor cousin! (The sister.) I can't imagine having to put up with brother's girlfriend for that long. Can you imagine what it would be like to have your brother and his girlfriend on the couch holding hands and making lovey-eyes at each other every single time you walk in the house for six weeks? Or living under the real possibility that every time you go into the computer room, they'll be there making out (or worse)? I mean, literally every single time. My cousin does not leave the house unless absolutely necessary. He really will be there every single moment of every single day.

2. My cousin has never been on an airplane, much less visited a foreign country. This is a family whose idea of exotic vacation is "road trip out west." He grew up in Wisconsin Rapids and has the mentality of someone who grew up in Wisconsin Rapids. I feel sorry for the poor English folks who are going to have to deal with this kid who is incredibly conservative, uncultured, and ethnocentric. I love the kid -- we've always been close -- but dang he needs to get out more.

This should be interesting. I can't wait to meet this girl and hear the stories...

When I'm in a public restroom and someone in another stall is clearly waiting for me to leave the bathroom before doing her business, I'm often tempted to hang around unnecessarily long. Or, I'm tempted to open the door and then not leave, just to trick her into peeing in my presence. I sometimes think about how fun it would be to do that and then, mid-stream, turn on the sink or something. It's a really stupid thing to be annoyed about, but it just bugs me. I mean, really, who cares if someone wants to piss in peace? Who cares if someone is too embarrassed to pee while I'm in earshot? Dumb. Super dumb. I guess there are worse things to be annoyed by, though...

Hey All!

So I just wanted you to know that I found out I'm pregnant today. At first I was really stressed about it, but after talking to my family, I think I'm going to keep it. It's still really early, but just wanted to pass along the news! The father is the guy I've been dating recently. I haven't told him yet, and I'm not sure I'm going to.

Anyhow, things are really busy around here, so I just wanted to take a sec to post you the madness that is my life!